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Jar

by Luka Buchanan

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1.
I’ve been sleeping I’ve been sleeping I’ve been sleeping with the radio on cos i’ve been dreaming I’ve been dreaming I’ve been dreaming bout terrible things and I won’t hang around and I’ll try not to be down But I’ve been walking I’ve been walking I’ve been walking round the neighbourhood and I haven’t seen I haven’t seen no, I haven’t seen you around and I know I ought to let it go and I know I ought to go home but I’m not sleeping I’m not sleeping I’m not sleeping at all tonight cos I’ve been thinking I’ve been thinking I’ve been thinking bout terrible things and I wish you’d see me now and I hope you drown It's so cold this close to the sun sometimes I'd rather be alone And I’ve been dreaming I’ve been dreaming I’ve been dreaming bout burning it down and if I ever see you around I’d hope I'd let you down and I wish that I could breathe long enough to scream It’s so cold this close to the sun sometimes I'd rather be alone
2.
Flight Risk 03:29
I blocked you on Instagram you unfollowed me on Goodreads you keep turning your lights off when I come near we know each other’s passwords but I don’t go to the cafe that you used to go to anymore you haven’t changed your password I haven’t changed my pin you could rob me if you wanted to rob me I’m not saying that I miss you but who could have guessed that we would be so unkind you and me, some day I’m not saying that I miss you but if I was on a plane and the plane was going down and I only had a minute to text someone well............. I took your CDs to the op shop last week I still have the Spotify playlists, though and who could have guessed that we would be so unkind you and me, one day I’m not saying I still think of you but if I was on a plane and the plane was going down and I only had a minute to text someone well............. I'm not saying that I would think of you I'm not saying that I would think of you I'm not saying that I would think of you because I wouldn't because I wouldn't even be thinking about you if I was on a plane and the place was going down real fast and if I looked out the window and all I could see was smoke I wouldn't even be thinking of you I wouldn't even be thinking of you so I wouldn't even be thinking about texting you if I wasn't thinking about in the first place to begin with I'm just saying
3.
I went to the movies but they kicked me out for spoiling the ending I went to the opera but they kicked me out for singing I have so much love and nowhere to put it I’ve been leaving it in unforgiving places instead Mount Kilimanjaro is full of bones and pretty soon they’re gonna see the light of the day until then I’ll try to stay alive and be nice and be proud and be a better friend I’ll give up my dead button up your coat it’s gonna be a cold one
4.
The day I called it quits I was manic at the sex shop and spent all my money on things that reminded me of you It was nice for a while to be a shadow of myself I found comfort in not crying when I ought to have done I was waking up hungover I was stone cold sober I didn’t miss any of your shit I was a real tough bitch I put on a sun-bleached shirt of yours that looked better inside-out just to feel something I was waking up hungover I was stone cold sober I don’t miss any of your shit I am a real tough bitch but at the end of the day when the concrete is still warm I put on an old shirt of yours just to feel the chill
5.
Bones 02:53
oh, you taste like bones oh, you taste like bones dug up from the yard we hadn’t thought about since January where our clothes hung sun-bleached and days turned to evening and the dust made us sneeze darkly searching for cover in the shadows of one another and oh, the smell of bones rouses me sickly in the morning like milk for a moth you embrace me and oh, you taste like bones oh, you taste like bones if it’s good enough for the dogs it’s good enough for me if it’s good enough for the dogs it’s good enough for me if it's good enough for the dogs it's good enough for me oh, I'm so hungry oh, I'm so hungry
6.
I’d said I’d let you make a woman of me yet and nearly I did And I could carve a fine resting place from the shadows in your face if you’d let me near and could you find me here? would you dive in after me if you saw me gaping like a wound? cos you know I will go on dripping blood and foam over across the roads til I fall down at your door cos I don’t wanna die alone I don't wanna die alone in the backstreets without knowing how close I’d come I don't wanna die alone all alone, all alone I have to know are you here with me? are you here with me?
7.
I'll be fine in the left lane where you left me and I'll be fine when I remember the way back home again the way back home from here I'll be fine in the left lane where you left me and I'll be fine when I remember the way home, home from here The view from here isn't much The view from here isn't much but it'll have to do it'll have to do Riverkind riverkind riverkind riverkind riverkind
8.
Bad Faith 05:10
So I’m here again it’s no coincidence are you here on your own? I’m not gonna stay and I didn’t meant to say what I said I’ll leave the key on the doorstep and walk away I walked away and I cried I cried the whole way Home oh, home has changed places again changed faces again but I’m still the same I just don’t fit anymore I’m so much bigger than I ever was before So I'm here again what a coincidence I’m in my corner and you’re in yours And I’m looking like I’m not looking But I’m looking, baby I’m looking at you and yours Good luck with your loneliness I’ll be right here on my own and I’ll be happy on my own I’m on my own I’ve been sitting on my phone for too damn long giving myself panic attacks from breathing too hard Sleeping makes me dizzy staying up makes me sad try to wake up in the morning got the blues so bad Getting closure for my bitterness still don’t make me sweet but I’ve given up on vengeance put my anger in the back seat I’m telling you it’s a rollercoaster micro-dosing trauma it’s a trauma just to miss you when I just wanna forget and I’ve been asthmatic need to give my lungs a rest worried about talking too much with my own damn therapist I get nervous every morning can't shake the feeling that it was bound to happen now it’s just me and all the healing I’ve done I used to tell you that I loved you all the time and you used to smile but it never reached your eyes These days you smile all the time but it never reaches your eyes
9.
Jar 03:04
All the good songs have already been sung and the good poems already written and all the good paintings that haven't been painted yet will be painted by someone else There's nothing left to say but I still can't be quiet god gave me the will to sing just not the voice for it and god gave me a life just not the will to live it and I'm so restless and I'm so tired I have nothing left to say but I still can't be quiet I'm terrible at endings maybe I'll think of one tomorrow

credits

released July 1, 2021

Written and recorded on Whadjuk Noongar Land.

Cello by Ben Buchanan

Thanks for the countless words of advice and encouragement from the incredible artists, composers, musicians, singers, and experimentalists I am privileged to know. Thank you to the friends who have listened to me play. So many people have given me the space to perform and develop these songs over the past couple of years.

Thank you, Ben, Riley, Saoirse, Joni, Be, Nate, Lauren, Claire, Jack, Eduardo and so many others whose work I admire and have gleaned much wisdom from.

Thanks also to Yuki, who was very well-behaved when I used my bedroom as a studio.

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Luka Buchanan Perth, Australia

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